Bea Arthur

What's WRONG? At CLUB DEAD, The bell tolls for Bea Arthur, ballsy actress, who brought to life two legendary television characters. She began as a torch singer, but her gravely voice and stocky build made audiences unreceptive to her love songs. Then someone told her she should try comedy.

Bea Arthur gave us two of televsion's most memorable characters, Maude Findlay of "Maude" and Dorothy Zbornak of "The Golden Girls."

She also was a Tony-winning stage actress, veteran of such legenday Broadway shows as "Fiddler on the Roof," and "Mame," as well as her own one-woman Broadway show. In her personal life, she was active with AIDS charities, and other social issues.

Most of America met her on "All In The Family" when the entire household took sick, and Edith's liberal cousin Maude came to look after the family. She was everything Edith was not: worldly, agressive, demonstrative, bossy, and most of all, opinionated. Maude could hold her own against Archie... for that alone she deserves a place in televsion lore.

When she was spun off into her own show, Archie and Edith retuned the favor by appearing in the "Maude" pilot episode, as guests at the upcoming wedding of Maude's daughter, Carol. I can't recall the name of the actress who played Carol in the pilot, because they recast Adrienne Barbeau in the role.

(Pardon me a moment... Adrienne Barbeau... inspiration for so many adolescent fantasies... okay, I can breathe again.)

Naturally, the show was a hit. Maude's catch phrase, "God'll get you for that!" was repeated from coast to coast, and even spwaned a hit country song for George Jones and Tammy Wynette.

Like "All In The Family," "Maude" was a groundbreaking show, tackling feminism, civil rights, divorce, racial predjudice, social inequality, alcohol/drug abuse, domestic violence, and reproductive rights. Among the television benchmarks was Maude's decision to terminate an unplanned pregnancy. This was 1972, before the Roe v. Wade decision, and CBS was roasted by more than a few organizations and viewers.

One of the writers of that episode was a woman named Susan Harris. Several years later, now a successful series creator, she cast Bea Arthur for a new show about four retirement-age ladies sharing a house as roomates. Critics and network execs balked.

"Who wants to see a bunch of old women sitting around kvetching?" they wondered. As it turns out, a lot of people did. "The Golden Girls" ran for years, and proclaimed that adventure and romance are not the excusive province of youth.



Bea Arthur's Dorothy was the glue that held the ensemble together. (Actors call it the "Kermit" role, refering to the Muppet who was the island of sanity in the midst of constant chaos.) Dorothy was calm, poised, and confident, providing the perfect counterpoint to childlike Rose, promiscious Blanche and rascally Sophia.

We all have our favorite lines; here's mine:

Dorothy (a substitute teacher) was examining the remarks written on the cast of one of her students who had broken a limb. Noticing a comment about her, Dorothy picked up a marker, saying "Let's just change this to 'Mrs. Zbornak eats shiitake mushrooms'"

I hope I don't appear rude to point out a couple of her duds.. as Lucy's pal in Lucille Ball's curious movie verson of "Mame," and the obnoxious innkeeper in "Amanda's-by-the-Sea," the awful American adaptation of "Fawlty Towers." But even in both of these fiascos, she stood out above the miserable crowd.

She recieved the respect and admiration of her audience, and her peers. After declining an earlier nomination, Bea Arthur was inducted into the Television Hall of Fame last December.

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I have no idea about the off-screen relationship she had with Estelle Getty, who played her mother, Sophia, on "Golden Girls." But in that extended-TV world, I can see their characters this evening, catching up with each other while sharing coffee and cake around the kitchen table.

"It's good to see you, Pussycat. This place was just no damn fun without you."

"Ma, you can't swear here. This is Heaven."

"Oh please, Dorothy. Compared to Sicily, this is a walk in the park."

As Maude would say, "God'll get you for that."

Then again, screw her, she's dead. Let's go look for crocodiles.

StevenK

Mark Fidrych

What's WRONG? At CLUB DEAD, The bell tolls for Mark Fidrych, The Bird, dead from a mishap while working underneath a truck on his Massachusetts farm, at the age of 54. One great year, and a slew of comebacks. The bird will be remember for his boundless joy, and maybe as the first example of the Sports Illutrated "cover jinx."I hope he had the time of his life.

All too brief.

That's the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of Mark Fidrych's time at the top. One beautiful summer... the summer of America's Bicentennal... that glorious time when excesses were at their peak. Hard to remember now, and certainly not PC to talk about it, 1976 was one of those years we thought about when, later in life, we lectured our kids how to behave.

And certainly, we hid the memories of how we spent our spare time. Hedonism was in full swing. Recreational substances were still something people shared as a communal experience. It had not yet become a vehicle for quick cash. Sex was plentiful, easy to get, and aside from pregnancy, led to no medical complications that couldn't be solved with penicillin.

Mark Fidrych on the cover of "Sports Illustrated" June 6, 1977. Was he the first example of the SI cover jinx?

1976 seems like another time. It was another time. Closing my eyes, I can taste the biscuits at Busler's on St Joe, and the chicken from the Farmer's Daughter. In my mind, I can negotiate the tight crowds at Washington Square, and feel the thumping disco beat on Funky's dance floor. Traffic jams on Outer Division, bikinis and beach balls at Kramer's Lake, steaks at F's and the whole menu at Das Kolker Haus.

In Cincinnati, the Big Red Machine was rewriting the record books and personifying how to play the game. They would sweep the World Series from the Yankees, who had run away from the pack in the American League East. And on TV, Saturday afternoon was for Curt Gowdy and Tony Kubek with the Game of the Week. In that summer of 1976, we saw more and more of the Detroit Tigers, and the rookie who bore no small resemblance to a famous feathered Muppet. It was the summer we would come to know "The Bird," Mark Fidrych.

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Mark Fydrich was working at a gas statioin for 2.00 an hour when he was signed by a Tigers scout. e acted like we wished all plyers would... like he was SO happy just to be there. He did look like a big happy bird, gangly, wobbly, arms flailing, and bursting with joy. Lots of players were happy, but he was infectious. He sprinted onto the field. He sang and smiled. He talked to the ball, played to the crowd, and reveled in that dream so common to young boys. Somehow we knew what he meant. And in Evansville, we saw him as one of our own. His 4-1 record and 1.59 ERA the previous year for the Evansville Triplets (the Tigers' AAA afilliate) were indicators of his potential.

"Yes," said Mark Fydrich, "it's just as much fun as we all imagined it would be." He was having the time of his life, and wanted us all to share in it. In his first start, he threw a two-hitter. He was one of only two pitchers to ever start an All-Star game as a rookie. Of his 29 starts, he pitched 24 complete games. His ERA was a league-best 2.34, and he was the American League Rookie Of The Year.

Of course, the fans loved him. They flocked to Tiger Stadium in droves on days he was slated to pitch. A post-season analysis by the Wall Street Journal estimated that he was personally responsible for something in the neighborhood of one million dollars of revenue for the Tigers.

The next question should be obvious: Was this the start of the Sports Illustrated cover jinx? The preseason 1977 issue featured a cover shot of Fidrych and his Sesame Street namesake.

And then, it all went to hell.

Warming up in the outfield before a spring training game, Fidrych tore the cartilage his knee. He came back, but finished the year only 6-4. He spent most of the next year on the disabled list, and managed only fifteen innnings in 1979, with an ERA of 10.43.

Ouch.

The Tigers released him after a mostly unemorable 1980 season. He was picked up by the Red Sox and spent time in the minors, including return stints with the Triplets in 1980 and 81 (12-10, 4.68 ERA) before retiring in 1983.

Mark Fidrych had mounds of courage, the kind of courage which made him able to launch comeback after comeback when the injuries mounted. in a brilliant column, Tom Gage of the Detroit News recalls Fidrych's last fleeting brush with glory in his final major league season of 1980.

After baseball he went home to Massachusetts, and worked on his farm. By all accounts, he continued to embrace life, and didn't dwell on thoughts of what might have been. For thar alone, he was an incredible figure.

Then again, screw him, he's dead. Let's go look for crocodiles.

StevenK

Ron Silver

What's WRONG? At CLUB DEAD, The bell tolls for Ron Silver, dead from cancer at the age of 62. Actor, and so much more, he used his celebrity and affluence to speak out on political causes... causes he believed in, trendy or not.

Characters you believe. Characters you believe in. Special people who remain in your mind once the set lights go dim. That was the triumph of Ron Silver's acting. He also raised eyebrows with his support of President Bush's policies in the wake of the terrorist attacks on the United States. Talk radio aside, the entertainment world is not fond of conservatives. Not only did Ron Silver, the actor, portray men of determination, it seems Ron Silver the man, was quite determined as well.

I don't pretend to be an expert, so I'll speak only of the four characters which come to mind at once, when I think of Ron Silver.

• From "Garbo Talks," Gilbert, the devoted son whose obsession is to fulfill his dying mother's wish to meet her idol, Greta Garbo. Anne Bancroft co-stars in that hardest of films to make, a story of death that is neither desolate nor heart-swelling.
  
• From the TV series "Wiseguy," fashion mogul David Sternberg, striving to gain acceptance from the father (Jerry Lewis) who built a clothing empire on Seventh Avenue. When the father is a giant, how can the son be expected to be anything less?
  
• From "Reversal of Fortune," as noted lawyer Alan Dershowitz. His client, Rhode Island socialite Claus Van Bülow (Oscar winner Jeremy Irons) was suspected of inducing his wife's diabetic coma, leading to her death.
• And finally, as Democratic puppetmaster Bruno Gianelli, part of the greatest ensemble cast ever assembled on television, from "The West Wing." It's worth noting that in the art-imitates-life department, his character spent the last two seasons cafting the campaign of the Republican candidate played by Alan Alda.

Much has been made of Ron Silver's sharp right turn in political thought following the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Somewhere, buried in a maze of DVD's beside my desk, is a copy the the gifted interpretive commentary he did for NBC on election night 2004. So precise was his understanding, that I almost felt I was watching Gianelli, the political image maker and wünderkind from "The West Wing."

In Hollywood, it takes real balls to go against the flow, to abandon the mantle of the politically correct. Ron Silver remained true to what he felt. Political battles are not to my taste. Suffice to say, he listened to his heart, and damn the consequences, he remained true to them.

Then again, screw him, he's dead. Let's go look for crocodiles.

StevenK

Paul Harvey

Paul Harvey was trusted. Peoople related to him because he
spoke from the heart, to the heart. His daily broadcasts from
the heartland gave Americans a honest friend's outlook on the day's
events.

Paul Harvey disdained pretention. He was based from Chicago
until satellite technology made it possibile to broadcast from
his ranch. He did not like the media centers of New York and
Los Angeles. One audition in New York early in his career was
enough for him. Asked to do a 'cold read" (no practice)
he asked one of the other applicants how to pronounce a
particular name. He was told wrong, an obvious attempt to
poison his big chance. "If this is New York," he thought,"I
want no part of it." Same for Los Angeles, He was what he was: a boy from Oklahoma most st home far from the crowd.

I don't know that we can really compare him to anyone out there today. Everyone, it seems, has an agenda. To enjoy Limbaugh or Olbermann, or Liddy or Dr. Laura, listeners need a particular attitude... a slant, if you choose to call it that.

No such requirement needed for Paul Harvey. a boy from Oklahoma City whose father was a police officer. On Paul's fourth Christmas Eve, his father didn't make it home, having died while thwarting a robbery. Some who suffer such a loss choose to use it as license to live as they will, without regard to others.

Paul chose the high road.

He was everyman, friendly uncle to all, generous in his praise, and direct in his critique. He was an unabashed patriot, but not afraid to call out the commander-in-chief. When the Vietnam War escalated into Cambodia, he used his microphone to proclaim to Richard Nixon, "Mr. President, you are wrong." He was without frills, a guy from Middle America telling his listeners what was happening around the world, and why they should care.

In tribute, arguably his most popular piece, the story of the man and the birds.

Unable to trace its proper parentage, I have designated this as my Christmas Story of the Man and the Birds.

You know, THE Christmas Story, the God born a man in a manger and all that escapes some moderns, mostly, I think, because they seek complex answers to their questions and this one is so utterly simple. So for the cynics and the skeptics and the unconvinced I submit a modern parable.

Now the man to whom I'm going to introduce you was not a scrooge, he was a kind, decent, mostly good man. Generous to his family, upright in his dealings with other men. But he just didn't believe all that incarnation stuff which the churches proclaim at Christmastime. It just didn't make sense and he was too honest to pretend otherwise. He just couldn't swallow the Jesus Story, about God coming to Earth as a man.

"I'm truly sorry to distress you," he told his wife, "but I'm not going with you to church this Christmas Eve." He said he'd feel like a hypocrite. That he'd much rather just stay at home, but that he would wait up for them. And so he stayed and they went to the midnight service.

Shortly after the family drove away in the car, snow began to fall. He went to the window to watch the flurries getting heavier and heavier and then went back to his fireside chair and began to read his newspaper. Minutes later he was startled by a thudding sound. Then another, and then another. Sort of a thump or a thud. At first he thought someone must be throwing snowballs against his living room window.

But when he went to the front door to investigate he found a flock of birds huddled miserably in the snow. They'd been caught in the storm and, in a desperate search for shelter, had tried to fly through his large landscape window. Well, he couldn't let the poor creatures lie there and freeze, so he remembered the barn where his children stabled their pony. That would provide a warm shelter, if he could direct the birds to it.

Quickly he put on a coat, galoshes, tramped through the deepening snow to the barn. He opened the doors wide and turned on a light, but the birds did not come in. He figured food would entice them in. So he hurried back to the house, fetched bread crumbs, sprinkled them on the snow, making a trail to the yellow-lighted wide open doorway of the stable. But to his dismay, the birds ignored the bread crumbs, and continued to flap around helplessly in the snow.

He tried catching them. He tried shooing them into the barn by walking around them waving his arms. Instead, the scattered in every direction, except into the warm, lighted barn. And then, he realized, that they were afraid of him. To them, he reasoned, I am a strange and terrifying creature. If only I could think of some way to let them know that they can trust me. That I am not trying to hurt them, but to help them. But how? Because any move he made tended to frighten them, confuse them. They just would not follow. They would not be led or shooed because they feared him.

"If only I could be a bird," he thought to himself, "and mingle with them and speak their language. Then I could tell them not to be afraid. Then I could show them the way to the safe warm barn. But I would have to be one of them so they could see, and hear and understand."

At that moment the church bells began to ring. The sound reached his ears above the sounds of the wind. And he stood there listening to the bells - Adeste Fidelis - listening to the bells pealing the glad tidings of Christmas. And he sank to his knees in the snow.

His historical feature, "The Rest of the Story" told listeners ironic tales designed to set up a suprising closing twist. Did you know about the bum found drunk and dying in a Bowery flophouse with only 37 cents in his pockets (Stephen Foster)? Or the popular hairdresser, top of his class, who chucked it all for a shot at acting (Danny DeVito.) We did, if we listened to Paul. And we'll miss him.

Then again, screw him, he's dead. Let's go look for crocodiles.

CLUB DEAD: Ricardo Montalban

What's WRONG? At CLUB DEAD, The bell tolls for Ricardo Montalban dying at 88 of complications related to old age. He could sing, dance, grant wishes, even fantasies. He could convince us of the decadent luxury of "soft Corinthian leather," even though there is no such thing, but he still couldn't kill Captain Kirk.

Ricardo Montalban described "the five stages of an actor's career", which are...

1. Who is Ricardo Montalban?
   
2. Get me Ricardo Montalban.
   
3. Get me a Ricardo Montalban type.
   
4. Get me a young Ricardo Montalban
   
5. Who is Ricardo Montalban?
   

He would know. He saw Hollywood like few ever have.

Ricardo Montalban was a suave latin lover in the movies, at a time when that was exactly what audiences wanted. The youngest of four children of Castailian immgrants, he was raised in Mexico. He had followed his older brother to California and into the movies, but returned home to live when his mother grew increasingly ill. He continued to act in Mexican movies until the chance came to star in a Hollywod musical, "Fiesta" which led to a contract with M-G-M.

He eventually was nominated for a Tony award for his work on Broadway in "Jamacia." Later on , he would win an Emmy for his portrayal of an Indian chief in "How The West Was Won." His occassional TV appearances had included a role in the first Gene Roddenberry-written science fiction teleplay, "The Secret Defense of 117." He also had a shot on "Bonanza" with the actress Madlyn Rhue. Years later, they would re-unite on screen in the Star Trek TOS episode "Space Seed." Rhue, his wife from "Bonanza," played the Starfleet historian who elects to and join him in exile, only to die soon after.

He made dozens of movies in the 40's and 50's but would not remain silent when his conscience told him to speak. According to the Los Angeles Times, "Although Montalban expressed appreciation for his success, he complained that Hollywood lacked respect for Mexican American actors. He said that while under contract at MGM, he portrayed Cubans, Brazilians and Argentines, but almost never Mexicans."

He fought for better treatment of Latinos in Hollywoood, was branded a troublemaker, and his career greatly suffered due to his efforts. But in one of the great second acts ever, he bounced back with a tripleheader performance.

As spokesman for Chrysler, he extolled the virtues of "soft Corinthian leather," which was actually an invention of the advertising people. Then Aaron Spelling cast him as the mysterious benefactor of "Fantasy Island" where guests were treated to the ulltimate in creature comforts, and dreams came true. This later led to parts in Spelling's "Dynasty" and "The Colbys."

And in 1982, he also reunited with Roddenberry. Montalban registered a turn as one of the best ever Star Trek villians, first in "Space Seed," then in the film "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan." Montalban reprised his TV role as Khan Noonien Singh, the leader of a group of genetically engineered super humans. Khan had returned to seek revenge on Captain James Kirk for stranding his crew on a desert planet. In "Space Seed" Rhue, his wife from "Bonanza," had played the Starfleet historian who elects to become his wife and join him in exile, only to die soon after.

Montalban played the character with delightful terror, vengeful even in death, and was the best of the movie villians which sprang from TOS.

Then again, screw him, he's dead. Let's go look for crocodiles.

StevenK

Eartha Kitt

What's WRONG? At CLUB DEAD, The bell tolls for Eartha Kitt, she of "Santa Baby" and Batman, she who faced down the First Lady, dying December 25 of colon cancer which was discovered two years ago.

If ever a lady had balls, it was Eartha Kitt. Her beauty and charm lifted her above the crowd. Her grace was special. She was a lady,a lady like no other, but she was no shrinking violet.

One of her most recent appeances in the national media was at the White House Christmas tree lighting two years ago. On the eve of that visit, The New York Times recalled her Vietnam-era confrontation with Lady Bird Johnson, wife of the President:

Her most famous visit to the White House was nearly 40 years ago during another unpopular war (Vietnam); her unexpectedly pointed comments about American involvement reportedly made Lady Bird Johnson cry and nearly derailed her stage, film and singing career.

“When I was against Vietnam I was asked in the White House itself, by Mrs. Johnson, what the problem was among our young people,” Ms. Kitt explained, saying that she responded based on what she was told by youths. She had no regrets about speaking honestly, she added, even after being forced to work abroad for a number of years afterward.

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Eartha Kitt in a live 1962 performance of I Want To Be Evil"




Vox Populi centers on her as replacement Catwoman on the Batman TV series, when Julie Newmar became unavailable due to a movie committment. She said in a 1996 AP interview there was nothing to the part, or as she put it, ``there was nothing to think about. You just walk on the set and...DO it.'' And every Christmas season, she sings "Santa Baby." She recants her wish list of rewards for being good ("just fill my stocking with a duplex... and checks") and begs him to hurry.

Eartha Kitt passed away on Christmas Day. Seems somewhat appropriate. Eartha probably just caught a lift with Santa. He certainly could oblige her that, at least considering all the other thiongs he provided for her. At least I'm assuming he got her everything she asked for in "Santa Baby," because she never recorded a sequel taking him to task.

Well, it's hard to be a good girl.

Then again, screw her; she's dead. Let's go look for crocodiles.



StevenK

Majel Barrett Roddenberry

What's WRONG? At CLUB DEAD, the bell tolls for MAJEL BARRETT, wind beneath the wings of the Great Bird of the Galaxy, Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry. Stand by your man? Damn right she did.

Gene Roddenberry, soon to be divorced, and Majel Barrett met and began dating when she appeared on his television show, "The Lieutenant." Her resume was impressive, with appearances on popular shows like "Bonanza" and "Leave It To Beaver." He was a former police officer who had produced a few westerns and a police series when he pitched his new science fiction show to NBC in 1964.

"It's Wagon Train to the stars", he said, invoking the name of the sucessful western series which told a different story every week, all happening within a company of covered wagons making their way westward. Science fiction, serious science fiction that is, had never really worked on network TV.

Gene Rodenberry made it work, thanks in no small part to Majel Barrett. Not that the network wanted her.

Star Trek was produced by Desilu, which was responsible for The Untouchables and The Lucy Show, and she had appeared in both shows, and worked on the Desilu Playhouse series. In the first Star Trek pilot, she played a character called "Number Two," the second in command on the ship. NBC requested a second pilot, but told him to not use her. He made no secret of the fact that he thought NBC was unfairly restricting his vision of the future by claiming that a woman could not be second in command. In ensuing years, various NBC execs have scrambled to deny those comments. According to them, NBC didn't object to a woman as first officer, they objected to THAT woman, meaning Barrett.

When the first pilot was rejected, they took the hint. When the inaugural cast finally set sail on NBC in the fall of 1966, Majel was nowhere to be seen. She was there, however, as the unseen voice of the ship's computer. Later on she was written into the cast as nurse Christine Chappel, assistant to Dr. McCoy, with an unrequited longing for Mr. Spock.

Behind the scenes, she was social secretary and den mother to the cast. It was Majel who remembered birthdays, or who had kids graduating from high school, or whose sister was expecting a baby. Majel was unquestioningly supportive, and tolerant beyond understanding of her boyfriend's frequent and open dalliances. She helped organize the letter-writing capaigns which are wideley credited with exteding the life of Star Trek's original network run.

They were married about the time of the cancellation of Star Trek. A marginal series during its initial run, the show developed a cult following in reruns. Gene and Majel were fixtures at sci-fi conventions and Star Trek fan events. She contibuted voices to the Saturday morning cartoon Star Trek series, and appeared in the 1979 big budget Star Trek movie. When the Next Generation came along, she had a banner turn as Counselor Troi's mother. Folowing Gene's death in 1991, she acted as guardian of the tradition.

All along, Majel continued to voice the computer on thhe various incarnations of the U.S.S. Enterprise. She recent completed the voice over work for the newest Star Trek film, set to debut in 2009. It'll be a bittersweet moment when her voice cuts onto the screen.

Then again, screw her; she's dead. Let's go look for crocodiles.

StevenK